The Rankings - 1983 Original 13

Everybody loves rankings, right?  There's no better way to start a pointless argument than to rank items that hold unique, special places to each collector.  Once upon a time, I tried to write up a completely objective ranking of the original 13 Joe figures.  But, even with the stated goal of erasing childhood nostalgia from the equation, the list was pretty much my personal favorites with a few guys bumped up a spot or two.  So, why bother with any of that pretext?  Instead, I'm going with a straight ranking of my favorite figures: starting with the original 13.  I'm only using swivel arm versions as I don't collect straight arms.  And, I'll do the "new" 1983 figures some other time.  I'm not sure I'll get to every year because I'll get bored of it long before I would ever endeavor to slog through all the 1993 releases.  But, I'm going to start with the year that's sure to elicit some opinions.  

The thing is, there are no wrong opinions about these figures.  If Short Fuse holds dear, core memories for you, that's a story worth telling in the comments.  The point of this isn't to challenge your beliefs.  Instead, it's to memorialize mine and prompt a modicum of discussion.  So, on with the show....

#13 - Short Fuse

I just can't get into Short Fuse.  He was never a player in my collection.  He didn't have much of a characterization in the comic other than being an annoying hot head.  And, his weapon wasn't conducive to childhood play.  But, really, he's kind of boring.  His chests harness isn't the greatest design.  But, he's also in a green that's similar to other figures.  So, you don't really feel like you're getting anything special with this figure.  Zap is a better use of the mold.  Hawk is a better use of the head.  I know we had one when I was a kid.  But, mostly, I remember him from the fact that I noticed his mortar mold changed and it was also knocked off by, I think, Galoob for some of their action figure lines.  That's not much of a legacy.

#12 - Grunt

I'm not a Grunt fan.  Never have been.  I've always found him to be boring.  To be fair, I missed the silver knife on his chest...a feature that captivated me when we got a Tan Grunt in 1983.  But, I still see this guy as just a basic infantryman.  His M-16 never clicked with me, either.  It broke thumbs in 1982.  I did love his backpack.  I gave it to Clutch so I didn't waste it on Grunt.  There's not much too him and he lacks the skills to really set himself apart from his more specialized team mates.  At some point in late 1982 or early 1983, we buried a bunch of Joes behind some bricks that lined the stairs up the hill in our front yard.  I remember pulling a well worn Grunt and Stalker out of the space a few years later.  That's about the extent of his use.  He and Short Fuse remain my least used figures of the original series of Joes.

#11 - Hawk

Let's face two facts.  Visually, Grunt is a better figure than Hawk.  And, the debut figure of Joe's leader kind of sucks.  But, I give Hawk the edge over Grunt due to the silver trim dominating the figure.  It gives him a more commanding presence.  And, the over abundance of silver does give Hawk a defining look.  There's not much else going on here, though.  So, he ranks pretty low.  I snapped the thumb of my 1982 Hawk when I tried to give him a Battle Gear M-16.  After that, the character disappeared until the amazing 1986 upgrade came around.  Hawk looks good.  But, if I want to use Hawk, I'll almost never choose this figure.

#10 - Grand Slam

Grand Slam and Flash  share the same mold.  The darker green on Grand Slam is a definite downgrade over the brighter green that Flash uses.  As a kid, we only had a straight arm Grand Slam.  The Silver Pads version was my Grand Slam.  I used him as a derivative of Flash, though.  The lack of accessories drops Grand Slam down a bit.  But, this figure does get a lot more use from me now.  Mostly, that's due to the fact that Grand Slam has remained pretty obscure over the years.  And, he's a guy who holds a certain, undeserved reputation for being rarer than other figures.  This is a function of the Silver Pads version.  But, photos with this original Grand Slam tend to do well since people don't see him all that often.  I definitely use this guy more than this low ranking would suggest.

#09 - Breaker

Breaker was my first Joe.  It pains me to rank him this low.  But, Breaker kind of marks a point in the line where every figure from here on out is pretty strong.  I ended up ranking him lower because there's not a lot of paint on him and he lacks a firearm.  That's made up for by his strong accessories, though.  His communications headset might be my favorite single accessory from the original 13.  And, it was a staple of my Joe world: even long after Breaker had fallen apart.  He's a mainstay in my HQ: helming the computer console.  And, I even use him as the second passenger in the VAMP.  Breaker remains a nostalgic favorite.  And, his low rank is just indicative of how strong the first wave of Joes was.

#08 - Snake Eyes

Yeah, I get it.  The "all black" was a design choice.  But, it's also limiting on this figure.  And, the 1997 and later repaints that added just one or two paint applications showed that just a little bit of color would break this guy up and make for a better figure.  But, Snake Eyes also features some unique parts.  The bomb on his leg is a feature that's really ignored and speaks to the figure's intentions of being a commando instead of a super human ninja.  His gear was also pretty strong.  The Uzi is synonymous with Snake Eyes and remains a mainstay of the character to this day.  There is something about the all black appearance of the original design that is lost when you paint up some details.  But, were this figure not super popular and somewhat expensive, he'd have little reason to be used over the later repaints of this mold.

#07 - Zap

My youngest brother got a Zap when he went to visit my grandparents in early 1983.  Before the figure came home, both Zap's thumbs were broken.  So, Zap wasn't a part of our childhood collection.  But, he's a figure whose importance grew as an adult collector.  Very early on in my collecting journey, I got obsessed over Zap.  So, he was among the only early figures I sought out to add to my collection in 1999-2000.  He didn't disappoint.  His unique color and strong gear add up to a fun figure.  Were mine not suffering from a snapped o-ring and stuck back screw, I'd use him in photos much more often.  No later homage to this original Zap was able to live up to this original version. (Though, the Super Sonic Fighters Zap is among the better character upgrades Hasbro ever did.)  The swivel arm version remains expensive due to the ubiquity of snapped thumbs.  But, he's worth having around.

#06 - Steeler

If you were missing just one of the original 13 figures back in 1982 and 1983, it was probably Steeler.  Being the driver of the line's most expensive vehicle meant he was often absent from otherwise complete collections.  Steeler features a unique chest piece.  That alone makes him useful.  But, he's also a great match for the Mauler and Slugger, giving him some versatility among later vehicles that was often lacking from his contemporaries.  His binocular helmet attachment was neat and gave him more visual distinction.  And, he even included an Uzi, something also unique to him as a vehicle driver.  I use Steeler more than most of the other original 13 figures.  Though, that's also because I have a spare that's easily accessible.  But, he's deserving of his spot.

#05 - Scarlett

Scarlett's a tough one.  From a sheer design standpoint, she might be the second best figure in the original lineup.  Her sculpt is amazingly detailed.  And, that's often glossed over.  Her unique color really stood out among the sea of Green that was the original wave.  And, it allowed her to evolve with the line and remain complementary with figures that were released years later.  It's tough to find a Scarlett that hasn't discolored.  And, that really limits her.  And, the 2003 repaint of this mold was better.  Even the 1997 is strong, though, it's very different from the 1982 coloring.  So, her lower ranking here is a function of those later figures being more interesting than the first design.

#04 - Clutch

Clutch was my favorite Joe right from the get go.  His unique chest with the holstered pistol was a drawing point.  I gave him a visor, Stalker's gun and Grunt's backpack to make him the most badass fighter the Joes would ever see.  Years later, even a straight arm Clutch retained relevance in my collection because he was so well done.  He's at home when he's behind the wheel of any early Joe vehicle.  And, you can use him sans vehicle as well.  I still refer to this head sculpt as the "Clutch" head as I feel he owned the design the best and made it his own.

#03 - Stalker

Stalker stands out due to his cammo pattern.  It was a unique look among the original figures.  And, it gave him depth beyond the reuse of the standard grenade and knife torso.  His head also featured a sculpted head covering with his green beret.  It made the figure a quick favorite.  The prominence of the character in the comic helped hold him over and made Stalker among the more popular characters in the line.  Stalker had a ton of great character updates.  (I'll maintain the '89 Stalker is one of the best updates any character ever got.)  But, none of them treaded over this original version.  Even today, an original Stalker can intermingle with figures from all years and not look out of place.  I wish the Comic Pack versions had been better.  But, we have the 1997 figure, which might be even better than the 1983.  Any way you look at it, though, the combo of figure and character puts Stalker near the top.

#02 - Flash

Flash is the best designed figure of the original 13.  He features a nice shade of green on his base layer.  He is then accentuated by a brilliant red chest, leg and arm pads.  These give him a startling appearance among his peers.  Were that not enough, though, the entirety of the red is outlined by a silver trim.  All of these colors carry over to his back, too.  In short, the sculpting was miles ahead of what other toy lines were doing.  And, then, Hasbro gave us the real kicker: his accessories.  Flash got the standard helmet.  But, you really get the impression that the standard clear visor was actually designed for Flash first and then ported to other figures.  His backpack is an intricate mess of technology.  And, it all culminates in a laser rifle that can plug into the pack.  The combo of sculpting, color and gear makes Flash tough to beat.  In fact, he should be number 1.  But, he's beat out for one simple reason that you'll see next.

#01 - Rock and Roll

Rock and Roll isn't the best figure among the original 13.  But, he's the one I use the most.  Part of it is that his simplicity works for his specialty.  But, he also features a unique torso and an amazing weapon.  I happen like the character, too.  I remember Rock and Roll as the crazed madman from "Hot Potato" in the first issue of the comic.  But, he later became a bit more mellow.  And, this made him interesting.  He was supposed to be "replaced" by Roadblock.  But, he stayed on the team and remained an integral part of the story until the very end.  The gold bullets really make Rock and Roll stand out.  And, it gives him more bulk, even if he's the same size as the rest of his friends.  I use this figure constantly.  I bought a spare just so I could use him more often.  It happened to the mail away version, which was a nice surprise.  (Things like that used to happen all the time.)  So, Rock and Roll gets my top spot just because he's a guy who resonates with me and gets used all the time.  It's no more complicated than that.

So, there you have it.  That's my ranking of the first 13 G.I. Joe figures.  What are you thoughts?  The great theme of the Joe line is that was designed to appeal to every kid.  So, different parts grabbed then attention of different kids as the time.  I have plans to continue this series.  It won't be chronological.  But, you'll see them pop up and we can discuss some of the different years and how the figures stack up.

European Exclusive Mutt - Around The Web

Mutt is among my favorite figure sculpts and characters in the entire line.  I have a version of every figure ever released based on the vintage mold.  And, while Mutt was released many times, it is the European exclusive version that is the most distinct from his original look.  This orange haired figure is not Stanley Perlmutter.  But, instead, is of Scottish descent.  We don't know why this version was exclusive to Europe.  He and Spirit were this odd pair of matching figures who randomly appeared in early 1990's European Joe assortments.  

The figure is missing the signature chest insignia.  This was removed for the Brazilian release of Mutt.  And, it's still missing on this later, European release.  His accessories are a darker grey color that live about halfway between the light grey of the 1985 Battle Gear pack and the black of the 1984 Hasbro release.

There's a decent amount of content on this figure.  He was one of the first European figures of whom American collectors became aware.  And, there was a time when loose figures were fairly common.  Even today, you can find lots of Euro Mutts with broken crotches and thumbs.  He's one of the more available figures.  Though, finding a complete one with the correct accessories remains a fairly tough chore.

Sadly, this figure has not gotten so expensive that you don't often see newer collectors willing to take hi outside and get him dirty.  When it was $40 to replace him, that was one thing.  Now that it can go over $200, that an entirely different proposition.  For me, though, it's still behind the original 1984 figure in terms of the best Mutt.  I'd argue that the Brazilian Mastim figure is better, too.  But, the orange hair and offbeat color scheme makes him a worthwhile discussion piece for any collection.

European Mutt Profile

European Mutt by dreadnokdread

European Mutt at R.T.G. at ARAH Gallery

European Mutt by gijoeaction

European Mutt by Golden_Cobra_79

European Mutt by nightforcetunnelrat

European Mutt by gijoeaction

European Mutt by bruxovigo

European Mutt by gijoeaction

European Mutt by viper_space

European Mutt by gijoeaction

European  Mutt by Relinquished1979

1997 Grunt - Around The Web

Grunt isn't a character that's ever resonated with me.  He entered our home on the first day we ever had any G.I. Joe figures when we got him on my younger brother's 1982 birthday.  I immediately took his backpack and gave it to Clutch.  I never really paid any attention to Grunt.  And, as the line matured, Grunt was even less important.

That carried over to the 1997 releases.  I never took Grunt out of the drawer for many, many years.  Even then, it was just for a profile.  But, as the years have progressed, the figure has grown on me.  The intricate cammo pattern and deep green pants are a great look.  He's a great complement to Zap, Short Fuse and Stalker.  So, while the character still doesn't matter, this figure has grown on me.  

This isn't to say it's without problems.  The helmet doesn't fit.  He comes with the antithesis of his classic M-16: an AK-47.  It's weird.  And, the 1997 figure quality isn't the best.  All of that has added up to a figure who doesn't appear frequently.  Here's a bit of content on him from around the web.

1997 Grunt Profile

1997 Grunt by Nekoman

1997 Grunt by hobieshinobi

1997 Grunt by thedustinmccoy

1997 Grunt by gen_liederkranz

1997 Grunt by flatline54

1997 Grunt by atwooddan

Funskool Mainframe

Sometimes, a figure is just a figure.  There's not much special about it.  The design is drab.  The character is somewhat one-dimensional.  The gear is just OK.  And, the general design doesn't spark the joy of the line's most prominent figures.  All of this perfectly describes the 1986 Mainframe.  He's a figure who exists in the Joe line.  He has very important uses.  But, even among just his contemporary 1986 releases, he's one of the last Joes anyone would pick as their favorite.  So, why not go two levels deeper?  Because, Mainframe had a release by Funskool in India.  He was released for many years in colors that are nearly identical to the Hasbro figure.  To get even more obscure, though, Funskool also produced Mainframe for release in Russia around 1999 or so.  And, it is this Russian, Funskool Mainframe that we'll discuss, today.

Mainframe is a perfectly neutral figure.  His colors are solid, but muted.  His sculpt is interesting, but kind of weird.  His gear is amazing.  But, also lacking.  He has enough personality to carry an issue of the comic.  After that, he's just a guy who's there.  The only remarkable thing about Mainframe is just how unremarkable he actually is.  As one of the line's supporting characters, though, this is perfectly OK.  You don't want a computer nerd to be the star of the show.  (At least, in the '80's, you didn't....)  But, you want every figure to be cool enough to buy and play with.  Mainframe balances this, perfectly.  

His biggest knock is the lack of a weapon.  As a kid, I outfitted him with spare Chuckles' pistols, Battle Gear Snake Eyes Uzis or the Uzi version that came with Low-Light.  All seemed fitting choices.  Back then, it was tough to get spare gear that was also decently colored.  Now, though, that's less of an issue and it's easy to get Mainframe the weapon he lacks.  Outside of that, though, Mainframe was a staple of my HQ.  He'd man the computer console.  Here, he could be the hero who held out against the invading Cobras.  Or, he could be the goat who was quickly defeated and allowed Cobra to steal Joe's secrets.  Usually, it was the former, though, as I liked the Mainframe figure and didn't want him to be the loser who lost to Cobra.  

Mainframe then took on 2 different roles in my collection.  The first role was as an experienced, older warrior.  This was a function of his comic introduction.  His older veteran status was something I combined with the character of Kup from the Transformers who was also an older, wiser warrior.  Mainframe was then someone who was an advisor to the Joe command team.  Him being in the HQ also gave him proximity to Hawk.  So, it was a natural synchronicity for the character.  As I really liked Kup, some of that also carried over to Mainframe.  So, he remained more important than he otherwise might have been.

The second role was as parts for some of my early custom characters.  We had an early Mainframe that belonged to my brother.  When I got a newer one, I took the old Mainframe apart.  I split up his pieces onto several other figures.  The one I mainly remember was a character named Havoc who had a built in hand cannon on his gloves.  He used Mainframe's chest.  I really liked this character.  I think he used the '86 Hawk head.  But, at some point, I wanted to put that Hawk back together.  So, I killed off Havoc.  He became a martyr for the Joes.  And, his name was invoked as a rallying point against Cobra.  Mainframe's arms ended up on some other characters that survived a lot longer in my collection.  It was these early customs that really expanded my story telling.  They were less constrained by the military realism that grounded the early '80's filecards.  And, while I don't have many of them left, all the parts are still in a box in the basement.  Someday, I'll buy a bunch of o-rings and screws and remake some of them.

One things I've wondered about Mainframe is if the designers had hoped that his microphone could be attached to his body.  This way, the figure could carry it around.  But, in 1986, they just didn't have the ability to do it.  But, the kept the idea kicking around.  And, by 1990, had figured out how to make it a reality on a figure.  It's pure speculation on my part.  Hasbro was very evolutionary in their accessories and figure sculpting.  And, you could see ideas that didn't quite work at their initial stage then later appear with the proper seasoning as gear that did now work for another figure.  

The Russian Funskool figures are kind of weird.  They were produced around 1999.  You can read the full story of their production at the Dragon Fortress.  Sadly, 1999 was during the beginning of Funskool's quality decline.  So, it's quite common to find fused swivel joints that prevent the figure's arms from moving.  As this is a key element of Joe articulation, it's an incredibly annoying trait of the Russian production run.  In the days when you could get these for about $4 per figure, it was less of an issue.  But, you're now paying a premium for Russian Funskool figures.  So, opening one up to find a useless arm is more of a pratfall, today.  So, definitely be aware that this is an issue for these figures.

Mainframe includes all the gear from his Hasbro release.  The computer and backpack are very slight color variants to the Hasbro figures.  You'll notice the poorer plastic quality before the colors, though.  He has a hose.  Mine is among the best hoses I've ever seen from Funskool.  But, this could be a function of the Russian figures being manufactured in the late '90's rather than a feature of the figure itself.  The only real variation on the figure is that his microphone is grey instead of black.  This works since it makes the piece more distinctive against the black hose into which it plugs.  It's also easier to see the sculpted details.  I'm a sucker for alternately colored accessories.  So, I find more value in this piece than most other collectors will.  But, the Funskool version will feature this uniquely colored piece.

Mainframe has a solid life.  He was used twice by Hasbro in 1986.  First as the grey carded release and then as an odd tan and red version that was included in the Mission to Brazil set.  After that, the mold was sent to Brazil.  The Estrela version, also codenamed Mainframe, is nearly identical to the Hasbro figure.  Most collectors aren't even aware it exists as there's nothing special about it.  From there, the mold went to Funskool.  Mainframe was a staple of the Funskool releases for many years.  He was widely imported to the U.S. in the early 2000's and was part of the 2009 series of Funskool releases.  There are even super weird uses of Mainframe parts in exclusive colors on Halibna releases.  These are rather rare, though.  The figure mold is either still in India or was destroyed there.  If we ever see another 3 3/4" Mainframe, it should mean that the ReAction+ line has enjoyed a decade plus long run and they've exhausted most of the other figures who are more deserving of an update.

Funskool Mainframes aren't that difficult to find.  They were massively imported during the early 2000's.  And, while the figure was never all that popular, his similarity to the original, Hasbro figure helped make him one of those guys that a lot of people did buy.  If these 2001-2005 imports weren't enough, Mainframe was among the 2009 Funskool re-releases, as well.  As such, you can still find carded versions for around $30.  It's tough to find any loose common Funskool figures, these days.  If you can, Mainframe will be cheap.  I'm pretty sure I'd never pay $30 for one of them.  But, getting one for $4 back in the days of heavy Funskool imports made a lot of sense.

1983 Snake Eyes - Around the Web

It's tough to find things to say about the 1983 Snake Eyes that haven't already been said hundreds of times.  He's the most iconic member of the original 13.  And, he was one of the most distinctive action figures released during his heyday.  Hasbro released at least half a dozen repaints of this mold.  And, every iteration of Joe since the vintage line has had a Snake Eyes figure based on this original appearance.  Factory custom makers have exploited the mold for dozens of different homages.  And, there are foreign variants from Europe, South America and India.

There's more content on this figure out there than is listed below.  But, I just went with some of my favorites from recent years.  It's tough to imagine that a the majority of the photos of figures like this Snake Eyes are lost to internet history.  But, there's enough left to enjoy if you like this look for the character.  So, check out the links below and let the creators know you stopped by.

1983 Snake Eyes Profile

Red Backed Snake Eyes

1983 Snake Eyes by DreadnokDread

1983 Snake Eyes by mikesjoetography

1983 Snake Eyes by 00zxcvb

1983 Snake Eyes be Relinqueshed1979

1983 Snake Eyes by yojoe_collectibles

1983 Snake Eyes by incrediblebulk

1983 Snake Eyes by DreadnokDread

1983 Snake Eyes by still_a_big_kid

1983 Snake Eyes by darkstar_vintage