My Least Favorite Accessories

The Joe line is nothing but a string of classic, amazing toys.  There isn't a year of the vintage line that doesn't have a treasure or two.  And, frankly, the same is true of the repaint era.  But, mingled among the awesomeness of the designs are some duds.  And, they start from very early on.  So, this time around, I'll be looking at my least favorite accessories from the Joe line.  To be fair, I'm going to limit some of the JvC era weapons and gear.  Because, that time frame did get a lot wrong.  And, you'll see that some of my dislike of vintage weapons was reinforced and even augmented by those weapons overuse in the 2000's.  

1984 Baroness Rifle

So, I've disliked the Baroness' rifle since 1984.  When my younger brother got her in the early part of that year at a Value City Department store (I got Firefly!), I didn't know much about the character.  But, they had three new figures and he chose the Baroness over Roadlock.  (My youngest brother got Roadblock.)  When we got the figures home, Firefly's amazing gear amplified one of the best figures in the line.  Roadblock's gear was an amazing feat of engineering that magnified an otherwise mundane figure into an all time classic.  And Baroness' gear...well...it sucked.  Her overly large rifle simply didn't work.  And, it was just that it wouldn't fit with the slightly smaller female form used for the Baroness.  It didn't fit any other figure, either.  From the small handle to the oversized stock, the gun was simply not one that worked well with any figure.  And, when you contrast this to how amazing the rifle looked on the Baroness cart art, it was impossible to reconcile the differences.  What should have been awesome was just worthless in actual plastic form.  And, when the comparisons that circumstances dictated would be against Firefly and Roadblock gear: Baroness' rifle simply stood no chance.

As her gun wasn't up to snuff, the Baroness figure fell to a similar fate in my collection.  Back in the mid 1980's, it wasn't common to have extra accessories lying around.  So, it wasn't like I could give the figure a spare Destro pistol.  Battle Gear did help this...to a point.  But, I never liked the pairing of the blue pistols from the 1984 Battle Gear set with the all black Baroness figure.  Plus, since her rifle stretched out her hands, she couldn't even hold the Destro pistol.  So, the Baroness became an afterthought.

Fast forward to the repaint era.  The first two uses of the Baroness mold included her classic weapon.  And, I'm OK with this.  While the rifle sucks, it was iconic to the Baroness.  So, including it with her wasn't terrible.  The softer plastic of the 1997 and later figures also allowed the figures to better hold the weapon.  So, it had a slight redemption arc.  But, then, inexplicably, Hasbro fell in love with the rifle and started including it with many other figures.  The worst example of this was the Viper figures in Waves 1.5, 2 and 7.75.  People army built these Vipers en masse.  And, they were stuck with terrible, terrible weapons that didn't really work with the figure and weren't even close approximations of the Viper's classic weapon's look.  

And, I ended up with dozens of rifles that were useless.  When you take something you dislike and circumstances dictate you acquire an absurd, additional among of that something...well...that dislike to turns to spite and then outright hatred.  So, there's no salvation for the Baroness' rifle.  It's going to hold my least liked accessory spot until the bitter, bitter end.

1982 Grunt M-16

What!  Yes, I know this is an affront to the very essence of the Joe line.  But, I've never been overly fond of the original M-16 that came with Grunt.  From the beginning, it was a thumb breaker with a thick, round handle and a short, fat stock.  It was, easily, my least favorite accessory from the original 13 figures.  And, time hasn't been kind to it at all.  

My biggest example of why Grunt's gun sucks is that in 1985, Hasbro made a far better M-16 that was included with Footloose.  This weapon was everything the original rifle was not.  And, it forever rendered Grunt's weapon obsolete.  Grunt's M-16 can really only be used by 1982 and 1983 figures.  Anything released after that is just out of scale for the accessory.  If you think about the timeframe, the M-16 should have been the de facto standard for all G.I. Joe figures.  Instead, this role fell to Snow Job's XMLR.  The original M-16 just didn't work well with figures.  Grunt gets a bit of pass since it was his.  But, when you realize how good all the original figures look with Stalker's M-32, the limitations of the M-16 become even more apparent.  I've never gone out of my way to pick up spare copies of this accessory like I have for every other weapon released with the original 13 figures.  It just isn't something I find value in.

1988 Voltar's gun:

I very much dislike this weapon.  It's not the gold color.  Instead, it's just the overall design.  And, the fact that it can't decide if it's a pistol or a rifle.  In general, I'm not a fan of larger weapons that lack stocks.  They are hard for the figures to hold.  And, they always pose awkwardly.  As a kid, I wanted to like Voltar's weapon because it was new.  But, as I was older and out of Joes when my brother brought it home, my critical eye was more fine tuned.  And, the weapon never clicked with me.

In the 1990's, the weapon found tons of reuse on various weapon trees.  It was always a disappointment to get a cool, new figure and find out one of his weapons was from Voltar.  In fact, I have quite a few trees (or, I did, until the dog ate them!!!) where the Voltar weapon was still attached even after I had removed all the other accessories.  I simply didn't care for the weapon and would rather have old, beat up figures with no weapons than take the time to give them the spare Voltar weapons that I had on the trees.  I loathe the weapon to this day and don't use it with any of the 1990's army builders who included it among their gear complement.  It always looks weird and detracts from any figure holding it.

1991 Grunt Rifle

Hmmm, Grunt appears twice in this list.  I wonder if there's something there in my subconscious about the character.  Or, if Hasbro just misfired on his various weapons.  It's probably not Grunt, though.  As, my introduction to this weapon was on the 1993 and 1994 weapon trees that I tracked down in the mid 1990's.  At the time, I loved the "new" weapons that I found on these trees.  Having missed most of the 1988-1992 Joes, all of his gear seemed like it was newly designed for the figures with which it was included.  There were so many good weapons.  But, this overly large weapon that had debuted with the 1991 Grunt was not one of them.  It was too large, difficult for figures to hold in cool ways and just a blocky, uninteresting design.  I loved having overly powered weapons during this time.  But, I could never reconcile this Grunt gun.  And, it seemed like every 1993 figure I bought included it.  So, I had a ton of them and couldn't use them.

This weapon's appearance also made me realize that one of the reasons why I had this weapon and Voltar's weapon so much was because they were so ubiquitous in my mid 1990's purchases.  At the time, the extra weapons from the trees were appreciated because I had a shoebox of dingy figures who lacked accessories.  The trees solved for that.  But, when I got duds like this Grunt rifle, it was a wasted slot and my older beaters couldn't be weaponized for use against my new acquisitions.

2003 Chief Torpedo Rifle

Be honest...you had no idea what rifle was even included with this figure until you went to the photos below.  And, in full transparency, I'm not 100% sure if the weapon actually debuted with this Torpedo figure.  I didn't want to expend the energy to be certain.  It was included with a ton of  figures in the 2000's and is available in a multitude of colors  Regardless, I despise this weapon.  The reasons, though, are more nuanced.

At its core, this weapon, actually, isn't bad.  The detailing is amazing.  The scale is right on: even for vintage figures.  It's a rifle/grenade launcher combo without being too overt.  In short, it should be great.  And, that's what makes it so maddening.  This was one of Hasbro's best efforts on newly designed weapons through 2003.  But, it had a fatal flaw that rendered it useless.  It didn't have a stock that allowed for a figure to actually hold it.  So, every time you want to use it, it flops around in the figure's hands.  And, the end result is just a ridiculous looking pose where the weapons is about to fall to the ground.

So, you got this amazingly sculpted, new weapon that was included with a ton of figures, but had no practical uses at all.  To this day, I cringe when I see this weapon  being used with figures.  It just looks so out of place.  I look back at that era and wonder what might have been.  Imagine the Neo-Viper's AK-47(ish) rifle, but with the level of sculpting and detail you see on this Chief Torpedo gun.  It might have competed for the best accessory in the line.  But, that wasn't meant to be.  There are some decent accessories from the JvC era.  But, this wasn't one of them.

Honorable Mentions:

1985 Tomax and Xamot pistol

The 2000's lead me to despise this weapon.  The pistol is comically large, doesn't look good with most figures and is out of scale for the figures with which it was always included.  But, you know who it does work perfectly with?  Tomax and Xamot.  As a kid, I loved this weapon for them.  I would only use it with them and they would only use  it.  To this day, Tomax and Xamot occupy a place in my display case: both with raised pistols to show them off.  So, you can't really have the Crimson Twins without the pistol.  And, I love it for them.  But, I HATE it for any other figure.

1990 SAW Viper Rifle

We now know that Hasbro screwed up the scale on this weapon.  And, it was not intended to be as large as it was.  It's still terrible.  And, there's really no redeeming it.  But, at least it was a production screw up instead of an intentional design.  Again, though, this weapon is made worse by the differences between it and the portrayal of the SAW Viper in various media.  In the comic, the SAW Viper loomed large for about a year.  He was always drawn  with more realistic weapons that made him look like a bad ass.  While the figure doesn't quite live up the comic image, either, the weapon included with the figure is a colossal  letdown.  Even in a smaller scale, it just  didn't live up to the visuals from the comic.  Fortunately, much better machine guns did come out, later.  So, if you can find some of those, they are a drastic improvement for the SAW Viper.

2004 Comic Pack Hawk Pistol

If you look at my list of favorite accessories, you'll see it's dominated by smaller pistols.  There was something about the delicate nature of such a small piece that captivated me.  In the 2000's, Hasbro introduced working holsters to the Joe line.  It was a concept I'd wanted since I was a kid.  Some of them worked great.  Others...didn't.  But, Hasbro did make a nice armory of new pistols.  Sadly, though, this 2004 version didn't work out so well.  It looks great.  But, the handle is just too big for figure's to use.  It will break vintage thumbs and stretch out repaint era figures.  The worst thing about it, though, is its legacy.  This pistol lead to factory custom makers using similar designs.  Instead of redoing something cool like the 1986 Hawk or 1987 Chuckles pistol, they reused large handled designs from the 2000's.  And, none of them can be used with the figures.  I have a bin full of these pistols that will either snap the thumb or simple not go into the hands of factory customs.  The weapons look good when they're lying around.  But, they are useless.

Before the end of the year, I'll wrap my favorite accessories.  The last entry includes some doozies.  In the meantime, let me know what weapons you hated.  You know you have them.  So, vent away.