The Rankings - 1983 Original 13

Everybody loves rankings, right?  There's no better way to start a pointless argument than to rank items that hold unique, special places to each collector.  Once upon a time, I tried to write up a completely objective ranking of the original 13 Joe figures.  But, even with the stated goal of erasing childhood nostalgia from the equation, the list was pretty much my personal favorites with a few guys bumped up a spot or two.  So, why bother with any of that pretext?  Instead, I'm going with a straight ranking of my favorite figures: starting with the original 13.  I'm only using swivel arm versions as I don't collect straight arms.  And, I'll do the "new" 1983 figures some other time.  I'm not sure I'll get to every year because I'll get bored of it long before I would ever endeavor to slog through all the 1993 releases.  But, I'm going to start with the year that's sure to elicit some opinions.  

The thing is, there are no wrong opinions about these figures.  If Short Fuse holds dear, core memories for you, that's a story worth telling in the comments.  The point of this isn't to challenge your beliefs.  Instead, it's to memorialize mine and prompt a modicum of discussion.  So, on with the show....

#13 - Short Fuse

I just can't get into Short Fuse.  He was never a player in my collection.  He didn't have much of a characterization in the comic other than being an annoying hot head.  And, his weapon wasn't conducive to childhood play.  But, really, he's kind of boring.  His chests harness isn't the greatest design.  But, he's also in a green that's similar to other figures.  So, you don't really feel like you're getting anything special with this figure.  Zap is a better use of the mold.  Hawk is a better use of the head.  I know we had one when I was a kid.  But, mostly, I remember him from the fact that I noticed his mortar mold changed and it was also knocked off by, I think, Galoob for some of their action figure lines.  That's not much of a legacy.

#12 - Grunt

I'm not a Grunt fan.  Never have been.  I've always found him to be boring.  To be fair, I missed the silver knife on his chest...a feature that captivated me when we got a Tan Grunt in 1983.  But, I still see this guy as just a basic infantryman.  His M-16 never clicked with me, either.  It broke thumbs in 1982.  I did love his backpack.  I gave it to Clutch so I didn't waste it on Grunt.  There's not much too him and he lacks the skills to really set himself apart from his more specialized team mates.  At some point in late 1982 or early 1983, we buried a bunch of Joes behind some bricks that lined the stairs up the hill in our front yard.  I remember pulling a well worn Grunt and Stalker out of the space a few years later.  That's about the extent of his use.  He and Short Fuse remain my least used figures of the original series of Joes.

#11 - Hawk

Let's face two facts.  Visually, Grunt is a better figure than Hawk.  And, the debut figure of Joe's leader kind of sucks.  But, I give Hawk the edge over Grunt due to the silver trim dominating the figure.  It gives him a more commanding presence.  And, the over abundance of silver does give Hawk a defining look.  There's not much else going on here, though.  So, he ranks pretty low.  I snapped the thumb of my 1982 Hawk when I tried to give him a Battle Gear M-16.  After that, the character disappeared until the amazing 1986 upgrade came around.  Hawk looks good.  But, if I want to use Hawk, I'll almost never choose this figure.

#10 - Grand Slam

Grand Slam and Flash  share the same mold.  The darker green on Grand Slam is a definite downgrade over the brighter green that Flash uses.  As a kid, we only had a straight arm Grand Slam.  The Silver Pads version was my Grand Slam.  I used him as a derivative of Flash, though.  The lack of accessories drops Grand Slam down a bit.  But, this figure does get a lot more use from me now.  Mostly, that's due to the fact that Grand Slam has remained pretty obscure over the years.  And, he's a guy who holds a certain, undeserved reputation for being rarer than other figures.  This is a function of the Silver Pads version.  But, photos with this original Grand Slam tend to do well since people don't see him all that often.  I definitely use this guy more than this low ranking would suggest.

#09 - Breaker

Breaker was my first Joe.  It pains me to rank him this low.  But, Breaker kind of marks a point in the line where every figure from here on out is pretty strong.  I ended up ranking him lower because there's not a lot of paint on him and he lacks a firearm.  That's made up for by his strong accessories, though.  His communications headset might be my favorite single accessory from the original 13.  And, it was a staple of my Joe world: even long after Breaker had fallen apart.  He's a mainstay in my HQ: helming the computer console.  And, I even use him as the second passenger in the VAMP.  Breaker remains a nostalgic favorite.  And, his low rank is just indicative of how strong the first wave of Joes was.

#08 - Snake Eyes

Yeah, I get it.  The "all black" was a design choice.  But, it's also limiting on this figure.  And, the 1997 and later repaints that added just one or two paint applications showed that just a little bit of color would break this guy up and make for a better figure.  But, Snake Eyes also features some unique parts.  The bomb on his leg is a feature that's really ignored and speaks to the figure's intentions of being a commando instead of a super human ninja.  His gear was also pretty strong.  The Uzi is synonymous with Snake Eyes and remains a mainstay of the character to this day.  There is something about the all black appearance of the original design that is lost when you paint up some details.  But, were this figure not super popular and somewhat expensive, he'd have little reason to be used over the later repaints of this mold.

#07 - Zap

My youngest brother got a Zap when he went to visit my grandparents in early 1983.  Before the figure came home, both Zap's thumbs were broken.  So, Zap wasn't a part of our childhood collection.  But, he's a figure whose importance grew as an adult collector.  Very early on in my collecting journey, I got obsessed over Zap.  So, he was among the only early figures I sought out to add to my collection in 1999-2000.  He didn't disappoint.  His unique color and strong gear add up to a fun figure.  Were mine not suffering from a snapped o-ring and stuck back screw, I'd use him in photos much more often.  No later homage to this original Zap was able to live up to this original version. (Though, the Super Sonic Fighters Zap is among the better character upgrades Hasbro ever did.)  The swivel arm version remains expensive due to the ubiquity of snapped thumbs.  But, he's worth having around.

#06 - Steeler

If you were missing just one of the original 13 figures back in 1982 and 1983, it was probably Steeler.  Being the driver of the line's most expensive vehicle meant he was often absent from otherwise complete collections.  Steeler features a unique chest piece.  That alone makes him useful.  But, he's also a great match for the Mauler and Slugger, giving him some versatility among later vehicles that was often lacking from his contemporaries.  His binocular helmet attachment was neat and gave him more visual distinction.  And, he even included an Uzi, something also unique to him as a vehicle driver.  I use Steeler more than most of the other original 13 figures.  Though, that's also because I have a spare that's easily accessible.  But, he's deserving of his spot.

#05 - Scarlett

Scarlett's a tough one.  From a sheer design standpoint, she might be the second best figure in the original lineup.  Her sculpt is amazingly detailed.  And, that's often glossed over.  Her unique color really stood out among the sea of Green that was the original wave.  And, it allowed her to evolve with the line and remain complementary with figures that were released years later.  It's tough to find a Scarlett that hasn't discolored.  And, that really limits her.  And, the 2003 repaint of this mold was better.  Even the 1997 is strong, though, it's very different from the 1982 coloring.  So, her lower ranking here is a function of those later figures being more interesting than the first design.

#04 - Clutch

Clutch was my favorite Joe right from the get go.  His unique chest with the holstered pistol was a drawing point.  I gave him a visor, Stalker's gun and Grunt's backpack to make him the most badass fighter the Joes would ever see.  Years later, even a straight arm Clutch retained relevance in my collection because he was so well done.  He's at home when he's behind the wheel of any early Joe vehicle.  And, you can use him sans vehicle as well.  I still refer to this head sculpt as the "Clutch" head as I feel he owned the design the best and made it his own.

#03 - Stalker

Stalker stands out due to his cammo pattern.  It was a unique look among the original figures.  And, it gave him depth beyond the reuse of the standard grenade and knife torso.  His head also featured a sculpted head covering with his green beret.  It made the figure a quick favorite.  The prominence of the character in the comic helped hold him over and made Stalker among the more popular characters in the line.  Stalker had a ton of great character updates.  (I'll maintain the '89 Stalker is one of the best updates any character ever got.)  But, none of them treaded over this original version.  Even today, an original Stalker can intermingle with figures from all years and not look out of place.  I wish the Comic Pack versions had been better.  But, we have the 1997 figure, which might be even better than the 1983.  Any way you look at it, though, the combo of figure and character puts Stalker near the top.

#02 - Flash

Flash is the best designed figure of the original 13.  He features a nice shade of green on his base layer.  He is then accentuated by a brilliant red chest, leg and arm pads.  These give him a startling appearance among his peers.  Were that not enough, though, the entirety of the red is outlined by a silver trim.  All of these colors carry over to his back, too.  In short, the sculpting was miles ahead of what other toy lines were doing.  And, then, Hasbro gave us the real kicker: his accessories.  Flash got the standard helmet.  But, you really get the impression that the standard clear visor was actually designed for Flash first and then ported to other figures.  His backpack is an intricate mess of technology.  And, it all culminates in a laser rifle that can plug into the pack.  The combo of sculpting, color and gear makes Flash tough to beat.  In fact, he should be number 1.  But, he's beat out for one simple reason that you'll see next.

#01 - Rock and Roll

Rock and Roll isn't the best figure among the original 13.  But, he's the one I use the most.  Part of it is that his simplicity works for his specialty.  But, he also features a unique torso and an amazing weapon.  I happen like the character, too.  I remember Rock and Roll as the crazed madman from "Hot Potato" in the first issue of the comic.  But, he later became a bit more mellow.  And, this made him interesting.  He was supposed to be "replaced" by Roadblock.  But, he stayed on the team and remained an integral part of the story until the very end.  The gold bullets really make Rock and Roll stand out.  And, it gives him more bulk, even if he's the same size as the rest of his friends.  I use this figure constantly.  I bought a spare just so I could use him more often.  It happened to the mail away version, which was a nice surprise.  (Things like that used to happen all the time.)  So, Rock and Roll gets my top spot just because he's a guy who resonates with me and gets used all the time.  It's no more complicated than that.

So, there you have it.  That's my ranking of the first 13 G.I. Joe figures.  What are you thoughts?  The great theme of the Joe line is that was designed to appeal to every kid.  So, different parts grabbed then attention of different kids as the time.  I have plans to continue this series.  It won't be chronological.  But, you'll see them pop up and we can discuss some of the different years and how the figures stack up.