The Rankings - 1983 Original 13

Everybody loves rankings, right?  There's no better way to start a pointless argument than to rank items that hold unique, special places to each collector.  Once upon a time, I tried to write up a completely objective ranking of the original 13 Joe figures.  But, even with the stated goal of erasing childhood nostalgia from the equation, the list was pretty much my personal favorites with a few guys bumped up a spot or two.  So, why bother with any of that pretext?  Instead, I'm going with a straight ranking of my favorite figures: starting with the original 13.  I'm only using swivel arm versions as I don't collect straight arms.  And, I'll do the "new" 1983 figures some other time.  I'm not sure I'll get to every year because I'll get bored of it long before I would ever endeavor to slog through all the 1993 releases.  But, I'm going to start with the year that's sure to elicit some opinions.  

The thing is, there are no wrong opinions about these figures.  If Short Fuse holds dear, core memories for you, that's a story worth telling in the comments.  The point of this isn't to challenge your beliefs.  Instead, it's to memorialize mine and prompt a modicum of discussion.  So, on with the show....

#13 - Short Fuse

I just can't get into Short Fuse.  He was never a player in my collection.  He didn't have much of a characterization in the comic other than being an annoying hot head.  And, his weapon wasn't conducive to childhood play.  But, really, he's kind of boring.  His chests harness isn't the greatest design.  But, he's also in a green that's similar to other figures.  So, you don't really feel like you're getting anything special with this figure.  Zap is a better use of the mold.  Hawk is a better use of the head.  I know we had one when I was a kid.  But, mostly, I remember him from the fact that I noticed his mortar mold changed and it was also knocked off by, I think, Galoob for some of their action figure lines.  That's not much of a legacy.

#12 - Grunt

I'm not a Grunt fan.  Never have been.  I've always found him to be boring.  To be fair, I missed the silver knife on his chest...a feature that captivated me when we got a Tan Grunt in 1983.  But, I still see this guy as just a basic infantryman.  His M-16 never clicked with me, either.  It broke thumbs in 1982.  I did love his backpack.  I gave it to Clutch so I didn't waste it on Grunt.  There's not much too him and he lacks the skills to really set himself apart from his more specialized team mates.  At some point in late 1982 or early 1983, we buried a bunch of Joes behind some bricks that lined the stairs up the hill in our front yard.  I remember pulling a well worn Grunt and Stalker out of the space a few years later.  That's about the extent of his use.  He and Short Fuse remain my least used figures of the original series of Joes.

#11 - Hawk

Let's face two facts.  Visually, Grunt is a better figure than Hawk.  And, the debut figure of Joe's leader kind of sucks.  But, I give Hawk the edge over Grunt due to the silver trim dominating the figure.  It gives him a more commanding presence.  And, the over abundance of silver does give Hawk a defining look.  There's not much else going on here, though.  So, he ranks pretty low.  I snapped the thumb of my 1982 Hawk when I tried to give him a Battle Gear M-16.  After that, the character disappeared until the amazing 1986 upgrade came around.  Hawk looks good.  But, if I want to use Hawk, I'll almost never choose this figure.

#10 - Grand Slam

Grand Slam and Flash  share the same mold.  The darker green on Grand Slam is a definite downgrade over the brighter green that Flash uses.  As a kid, we only had a straight arm Grand Slam.  The Silver Pads version was my Grand Slam.  I used him as a derivative of Flash, though.  The lack of accessories drops Grand Slam down a bit.  But, this figure does get a lot more use from me now.  Mostly, that's due to the fact that Grand Slam has remained pretty obscure over the years.  And, he's a guy who holds a certain, undeserved reputation for being rarer than other figures.  This is a function of the Silver Pads version.  But, photos with this original Grand Slam tend to do well since people don't see him all that often.  I definitely use this guy more than this low ranking would suggest.

#09 - Breaker

Breaker was my first Joe.  It pains me to rank him this low.  But, Breaker kind of marks a point in the line where every figure from here on out is pretty strong.  I ended up ranking him lower because there's not a lot of paint on him and he lacks a firearm.  That's made up for by his strong accessories, though.  His communications headset might be my favorite single accessory from the original 13.  And, it was a staple of my Joe world: even long after Breaker had fallen apart.  He's a mainstay in my HQ: helming the computer console.  And, I even use him as the second passenger in the VAMP.  Breaker remains a nostalgic favorite.  And, his low rank is just indicative of how strong the first wave of Joes was.

#08 - Snake Eyes

Yeah, I get it.  The "all black" was a design choice.  But, it's also limiting on this figure.  And, the 1997 and later repaints that added just one or two paint applications showed that just a little bit of color would break this guy up and make for a better figure.  But, Snake Eyes also features some unique parts.  The bomb on his leg is a feature that's really ignored and speaks to the figure's intentions of being a commando instead of a super human ninja.  His gear was also pretty strong.  The Uzi is synonymous with Snake Eyes and remains a mainstay of the character to this day.  There is something about the all black appearance of the original design that is lost when you paint up some details.  But, were this figure not super popular and somewhat expensive, he'd have little reason to be used over the later repaints of this mold.

#07 - Zap

My youngest brother got a Zap when he went to visit my grandparents in early 1983.  Before the figure came home, both Zap's thumbs were broken.  So, Zap wasn't a part of our childhood collection.  But, he's a figure whose importance grew as an adult collector.  Very early on in my collecting journey, I got obsessed over Zap.  So, he was among the only early figures I sought out to add to my collection in 1999-2000.  He didn't disappoint.  His unique color and strong gear add up to a fun figure.  Were mine not suffering from a snapped o-ring and stuck back screw, I'd use him in photos much more often.  No later homage to this original Zap was able to live up to this original version. (Though, the Super Sonic Fighters Zap is among the better character upgrades Hasbro ever did.)  The swivel arm version remains expensive due to the ubiquity of snapped thumbs.  But, he's worth having around.

#06 - Steeler

If you were missing just one of the original 13 figures back in 1982 and 1983, it was probably Steeler.  Being the driver of the line's most expensive vehicle meant he was often absent from otherwise complete collections.  Steeler features a unique chest piece.  That alone makes him useful.  But, he's also a great match for the Mauler and Slugger, giving him some versatility among later vehicles that was often lacking from his contemporaries.  His binocular helmet attachment was neat and gave him more visual distinction.  And, he even included an Uzi, something also unique to him as a vehicle driver.  I use Steeler more than most of the other original 13 figures.  Though, that's also because I have a spare that's easily accessible.  But, he's deserving of his spot.

#05 - Scarlett

Scarlett's a tough one.  From a sheer design standpoint, she might be the second best figure in the original lineup.  Her sculpt is amazingly detailed.  And, that's often glossed over.  Her unique color really stood out among the sea of Green that was the original wave.  And, it allowed her to evolve with the line and remain complementary with figures that were released years later.  It's tough to find a Scarlett that hasn't discolored.  And, that really limits her.  And, the 2003 repaint of this mold was better.  Even the 1997 is strong, though, it's very different from the 1982 coloring.  So, her lower ranking here is a function of those later figures being more interesting than the first design.

#04 - Clutch

Clutch was my favorite Joe right from the get go.  His unique chest with the holstered pistol was a drawing point.  I gave him a visor, Stalker's gun and Grunt's backpack to make him the most badass fighter the Joes would ever see.  Years later, even a straight arm Clutch retained relevance in my collection because he was so well done.  He's at home when he's behind the wheel of any early Joe vehicle.  And, you can use him sans vehicle as well.  I still refer to this head sculpt as the "Clutch" head as I feel he owned the design the best and made it his own.

#03 - Stalker

Stalker stands out due to his cammo pattern.  It was a unique look among the original figures.  And, it gave him depth beyond the reuse of the standard grenade and knife torso.  His head also featured a sculpted head covering with his green beret.  It made the figure a quick favorite.  The prominence of the character in the comic helped hold him over and made Stalker among the more popular characters in the line.  Stalker had a ton of great character updates.  (I'll maintain the '89 Stalker is one of the best updates any character ever got.)  But, none of them treaded over this original version.  Even today, an original Stalker can intermingle with figures from all years and not look out of place.  I wish the Comic Pack versions had been better.  But, we have the 1997 figure, which might be even better than the 1983.  Any way you look at it, though, the combo of figure and character puts Stalker near the top.

#02 - Flash

Flash is the best designed figure of the original 13.  He features a nice shade of green on his base layer.  He is then accentuated by a brilliant red chest, leg and arm pads.  These give him a startling appearance among his peers.  Were that not enough, though, the entirety of the red is outlined by a silver trim.  All of these colors carry over to his back, too.  In short, the sculpting was miles ahead of what other toy lines were doing.  And, then, Hasbro gave us the real kicker: his accessories.  Flash got the standard helmet.  But, you really get the impression that the standard clear visor was actually designed for Flash first and then ported to other figures.  His backpack is an intricate mess of technology.  And, it all culminates in a laser rifle that can plug into the pack.  The combo of sculpting, color and gear makes Flash tough to beat.  In fact, he should be number 1.  But, he's beat out for one simple reason that you'll see next.

#01 - Rock and Roll

Rock and Roll isn't the best figure among the original 13.  But, he's the one I use the most.  Part of it is that his simplicity works for his specialty.  But, he also features a unique torso and an amazing weapon.  I happen like the character, too.  I remember Rock and Roll as the crazed madman from "Hot Potato" in the first issue of the comic.  But, he later became a bit more mellow.  And, this made him interesting.  He was supposed to be "replaced" by Roadblock.  But, he stayed on the team and remained an integral part of the story until the very end.  The gold bullets really make Rock and Roll stand out.  And, it gives him more bulk, even if he's the same size as the rest of his friends.  I use this figure constantly.  I bought a spare just so I could use him more often.  It happened to the mail away version, which was a nice surprise.  (Things like that used to happen all the time.)  So, Rock and Roll gets my top spot just because he's a guy who resonates with me and gets used all the time.  It's no more complicated than that.

So, there you have it.  That's my ranking of the first 13 G.I. Joe figures.  What are you thoughts?  The great theme of the Joe line is that was designed to appeal to every kid.  So, different parts grabbed then attention of different kids as the time.  I have plans to continue this series.  It won't be chronological.  But, you'll see them pop up and we can discuss some of the different years and how the figures stack up.

1992 Talking Battle Commanders General Hawk

The 1996-1998 G.I. Joe community was made up, almost exclusively, of guys whose childhood Joe years were 1982 through 1985.  You'd see collectors of that era expand their notion of Joe until about 1987.  But, that was a clear demarcation line.  The only time you'd see figures made after this date was for a slate of standard customs.  You'd see a couple of later figures used to make the Oktober Guard.  You'd see a Street Fighter figure used to make the khaki shorts Kwinn.  And, you'd see the Talking Battle Commander Hawk head used to make some, usually villainous general who was looking to take the Joes down from the inside.

The reason this trope was ubiquitous was due to the overall design and quality of the figure's head sculpt.  Aside from the obscuring sunglasses, Hawk's head has a stern look that doesn't denote experience as much as it implies that the person behind the countenance is a huge dick.  More importantly, to collectors of that early era, Hawk was only defined by his 1986 figure.  There were no future Hawk figures to any of those guys.  So, breaking the 1992 figure apart to make up some fictional take on the "Jugglers" was the only acceptable acknowledgement that Hasbro had kept the character in circulation in the 1990's.  

The singular calling card of this General Hawk is his skin tone.  Hasbro went with a sunburnt face and hands for the fleshtone.  It is the only figure in the vintage line with this skin tone.  There's no explanation as to why Hasbro modified their standard flesh colors.  But, it makes this Hawk stand out among his peers.  The skin color is a match for the maroon and tan that comprises the bulk of the figure's color.  It still, though, stands out and makes you wonder what happened to the Hawk character instead of just blending with the rest of the uniform coloring.  It's an odd feature for the figure and is really the most famous discussion point around him.

The figure's base colors are also seldom seen in the Joe line.  The combination of a maroon jacket with golden highlights is a bold choice.  Pairing it with tan pants and offsetting it with some black details wasn't something you'd think would work.  But, the colors are complementary and do create a memorable visual of the figure.  I do think the colors allow this Hawk to blend into the background too easily.  And, he's difficult to pair with other figures who also accentuate his color palette.  More often, Hawk clashes with figures that are both his contemporaries and precedents.  The golden highlights and gear are meant as a way to make the figure appear to be a leader.  But, the gold doesn't improve the figure's regal standing and leaves Hawk as more of an odd man out than the leader that was denoted by his 1986 and, even, 1991 figures.

The overall sculpting of this figure is interesting.  As a standalone piece, the parts fit together, perfectly.  The puffy jacket, tall boots and rectangular head all work together to form a symmetric representation of a person.  When you compare this guy to other figures of his time, though, you start to see that he appears to be a bit out of proportion.  This was accentuated when Hasbro started using his pieces in conjunction with earlier sculpted parts during the 2000's.  It became apparent that this Hawk's legs were too long and his upper body too bulky.  It allows the figure to work on his own.  But, makes him harder to set up with other figures in the line.  His oversized accessories (especially the pistol!) exacerbate this.  And, when you take the weird skin, offbeat base colors, the elongated parts and the comical weapons, you're left with a figure that's never caught on with the collector base.

The Talking Battle Commanders were another gimmick in Hasbro's ever expanding arsenal as the line limped towards cancellation.  The oversized backpacks and electronics were a way to drive up the retail price and put a G.I. Joe item into the $5-$10 price category.  Historically, this level was where you found small vehicles that defined the line.  Many collector favorites exist due to this desired price point.  By the early 1990's, though, vehicles were passe.  And, Hasbro needed something that appeared to be special to justify the higher price tag.  The TBC figures seemed to sell in the $6-$8 range at various retail stores.  They weren't great sellers and the concept was discontinued for 1993.  Large quantities of them made their way to overstock stores of the era for around a $5 price tag.  All of these were high for what you got.  As I was an adult by the time these appeared at retail, the sway of electronic components in a G.I. Joe figure was lost on me.  I'd be curious to hear from younger collectors, though, to see if it was a salient selling point for them and made them want figures like this over the standard retail line that was about 1/2 the price.

The TBC Hawk included some solid accessories.  There is, of course, the massive electronic backpack.  There is a golden antenna that attaches to the top of it.  The talking backpack is screwed on with more fasteners than are worth removing.  They are annoying.  But, once the pack is taken off, you can get down to the essentials.  The figure also includes two golden weapons.  Gold is a rare accessory color.  In some contexts, it worked great.  For Hawk, though, the gold is somewhat distracting.  The color meshes with the figure, though.  It just makes the gear more difficult to port to other figures.  There is an oversized revolver that has a sight on top.  Somehow, the size works with this Hawk, though.  It is the only weapon I tend to use with this mold.  There is also a rifle.  I actually really enjoy this rifle.  It was released ad naseum in silver during the early 2000's and remains my de facto weapon for the 2000 Dusty and all the Mirage repaints from 2002 and 2003.  

This mold ended up with a good life. After the vintage release, it made a surprise appearance in 2000.  Hasbro then released it again in 2002, after they could not find the 1986 Hawk mold but still wanted to release the character.  In 2004, the mold was used for two of the three figures in a convention "Changing Zartan" set.  It was just weird and remains an obscure and unpopular release.  Starting in 2004, Hawks legs started to get used on comic pack figures including Clayton Abernathy and Stalker.  In 2005, the legs and arms were used along with some newly sculpted 1986 Hawk parts to make another Comic Pack Hawk.  Hasbro's infatuation with the parts in the 2000's further soured collectors on the mold.  And, it's taken nearly 25 years for you to start seeing sentiment that the various flavors of this General Hawk are worthwhile figures.

It's recently been discovered that this mold was also planned for a 1994 release.  It would have been included with a machine gun nest that ended up being released as the Battle Bunker in the Sgt. Savage line.  The figure would have used a grey base color and featured bright green highlights.  It would have been a solid repaint.  We don't know if Hasbro would have sculpted a new back piece for the figure or not.  But, grey Joes are few and far between.  So, had this figure been released, it would have been somewhat distinctive.  Personally, I'd still hold the 2002 color scheme as the best release of the mold...even if the 1994 repaint had happened.  But, it's interesting to know that Hasbro wanted to get more use from this mold during the vintage era.

In the end, I want to tell you that I like this figure.  On paper, I should.  He's bizarre enough and obscure enough to be the type of guy that's right up my alley.  But, he's not.  This is a figure that I only acquired because a fellow collector was liquidating his collection and happened to have his cheap as a toss in with a group of figures I actually wanted.  I've only ever taken photos of him, deliberately.  He doesn't work with other figures well enough to warrant appearances outside of shots meant to showcase him.  And, if I want to use the look of this character, both the 2000 and 2002 figures are far better ways to get the head sculpt into a photo.  I simply don't see this guy as Hawk.  His introduction to me as the nameless, shadowy general who has authority over the Joe team is the characterization of him that's stuck with me.  The figure just doesn't have the overall quality to overcome that early association and stand on its own.

The Talking Battle Commander Hawk is not popular.  As such, he remains an incredibly cheap figure to acquire.  While dealers will sell mint and complete figures in the $15 range, you can actually still get carded figures for under $20.  You can still find high quality figures on the open market and can buy them for about $8.  These days, that's about as cheap as you find any vintage Joe.  For that price, it's worth it to have a version of the figure lying around.  The later repaints are better.  But, when you can find something cheap like this Hawk is, you take advantage and add him.  The weird color scheme is well worth the paltry price and gives your collection a weird example of the Joe team's leader.